My therapeutic disclosure....

I guess it's safe to say that just because a guy is crying, it doesn't make him any less man because everyone has emotion. Having said that though doesn't mean that you should break down like a cry baby and start getting on everyone's nerve, it's just common sense for us to know on where to draw the line and not to go over it.

So what i have to blog for today is something revolving around my therapeutic disclosure-on how something that could drives a soul to weep, could also drives him to be a better person for him/her or even to the mass itself. So i'm the kind of guy that gets easily touch by these kinds of elements, not that i'm easily weep, but i'm easily captivated by them.

I have a weird way of motivating myself-on how i could easily immersed in sad stories or songs or even movies. And at the end of the day, it got me into a state of where i feel the need of humility is a sheer interest. Just the other day, i was in 5 Maju with Danny and Faris because it was english lesson. Unfortunately, teacher Ezah was not around and we were left to loiter around and do whatever we favour. As for me, i grabbed this years literature book, "Step by Wicked Step" and started to read while listening to Taylor Swift's Back to December.

To start with, the story of Ricahrd Clayton Harwick was already freaking sad, and listening Back to December at the same time just simply made me burst into tears. I tried to cover it up, leaning my forehead to the table, in hope that no one would see me weeping. After a while, i stopped, i can't go any further, if i did then i would cry even harder till the whole class notices me. I put the book down, wipe my tears away, stood up and pretended as if nothing's wrong.

Later that evening, i had more time to reminisce because somehow i feel that i should do just that and the book really taught me something-on how life is not always like a rainbow in the sky and to acknowledge the dark side of life which very few of us really comprehend. I tried to put myself in his shoe and contemplate on what could happen.

In the end i started to feel better, regained my conscious and maturely grew up. Thank you my therapeutic disclosure ....

I want it all back ...

When we were small, we all wanted to grow up and show that we are mature enough to cope with challenges: big enough to deal with everyday  obstacle and even hating the age of toddlers because we thought that being an adult is everything.
But how blinded we were, that we did not realise that childhood is the best stage of life. Everyone would sacrifice for you and you couldn't care less about others. But like it or not, we will grow older because growing older is a mandatory but growing up is an option! If i laze on bed and burrowed my head into the pillow for a whole year, i would still grow older but i definitely won't grow up that way.
But still, I don't want to grow up! I just don't, I regretted the time i pretended to be cool just to be in relationship: the time where i worked hard to earn money so that i can buy ice cream and even the time where i told my mom that i don't need her helping hand anymore.
How nice it would it be if i could pick up where i left before and enjoy the good old times with the people i love. With my beloved Tok ayah who had gone when i was 11, my beloved Tok sat who use to always take me fishing even though i didn't like it and my beloved mak tok who always cuddle me and carried me around the house. I miss them .
I want to watch Cow and chicken, Samurai Jack, Scooby doo, Grim Adventure of bily and mandy, Courage the cowardly dog and I am weasel! If only i could have one more time to spend with them, just one more moment to cherish with, just one more glimpse of their loving face..
At this stage of age, i felt so vain and empty just like an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere; like a gargantuan clam or oyster without its delicate pearl. At this time around, we're just happy to be found, to be heard and to be realised by others around us. 

I will always try to be like Ugly.

In memories of Ugly....

This was the saddest thing that ever happened to me this year...

Living in an apartment resident had me living in a diverse culture with peoples from all walk of lives. But one thing for sure, everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love.The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

His tail has long age been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. “That’s one UGLY cat!!”

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness.

Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If ever someone picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor’s huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. “I must be hurting him terribly,” I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear.

Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.

Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply.

It was time to give my all to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be like Ugly. 

5 notes for my future girlfriend :)

1) I can’t promise you that I will always have the perfect thing to say. I can’t promise you that I will always have amazing advice on hand to give to you. What i can promise you is that I will always be there for you. No matter what. I will always be here to listen to you when you need someone to talk to. I will always be a phone call away and if you need, I will drive over, pick you up, and kidnap you to cheer you up. I’ll do everything in my power to support you.

2) So relationships are like roller coasters right? It has its up and downs, turns,twists,and loops right?.So I want to ride it with you, take you to the amusement park and embark on one of the longest or scariest ride there is.Because I want to go through all those ups and downs and turns with you.Because I’ll stand by your side if you stand by mine.Hold my hands through all those rides.Go through all those emotions when you go up and down and all around.Throw our hands up like nothing matters.After we're done, we go to where they take our pictures and see who look the funniest or the worst because its a memory i want to remember with you.

3) Can we spend the whole day in the park ? I’ll bring my camera and take pictures of YOU all day . It doesn't have to be us, but really you. I want to see you smile because I think you’re beautiful. I want to capture the moment where I can look back and remember that I was the reason that made you smile. And I like watching and listening to the rain and thunderstorms. Come over and we’ll cuddle besides the window and watch, and listen to the thunderstorm together. I’ll make us some hot chocolate and something nice to eat. We’ll cuddle together and fall asleep in each others arms. Don’t worry if you are scared  I’ll hold you tight and protect you.

4) I will never ignore, even if you hate me. I will always pick up the phone, even at 3 a.m. I’ll always be the first to start the conversation, and give you long sweet messages to start your day off. I’ll call you every night and talk to you until you fall asleep. I’ll never give you a reason to be jealous, because I’ll make sure you and everyone else know how much I love you. Keeping you happy is my job, if you are upset,  I’ll stay up all night talking to you until you feel better or until you make me sleep. I’ll never yell at you or physically hurt you, and never make you do anything you don’t want to, especially sexual stuff, but when we are both ready I’ll make sure it is one of the most special times of your life. I’d feel like the luckiest person in the world to be able to hold you as you sleep. I just want you to feel safe, and loved. I’d do anything to make you happy. I’ll give you gifts from time to time surprising you with special dates and flowers. When we go on our anniversary date, it’ll be unique, original and a very special day for you. 

5) I know I might seem like a flirt, I know I might seem kind of annoying and rude at times but I promise, I will never hurt you baby. You’re all that revolves around in my mind, I couldn’t imagine anyone else being on my mind as much as you. I will hold you in public, I will kiss you in public and show the world how  lucky I am. My cell phone is always there if you need my voice. My shoulder is always there to cry on if you’re not having a good day. If you need me I’ll drive through hell fire just to make sure you’re okay. If you want something i will get it for you, and if I cant I will try my hardest to still try to get it for you. Whatever in the world you want I will give you the world because you already gave me my world.

Dear future girlfriend, I will treat you like no other.