Relationship

As we grow up and make our way down the path of life, we learn new things. One of the most unforgettable events in our life is probably falling in love. Having a crush is normal but taking one step further is another thing. As a teenager myself, I can’t deny the fact that I also tried to be in a relationship, just so curious and compelled to know of what does it feels like to be in love. Well I can tell you one thing; the feeling is simply unexplainable and euphoric.

But let’s be clear about what really happened. Society agreed that as human beings, we all have crushes, and when the right time comes, you’ll be in a situation called ‘puppy love’. One thing about puppy love is that the chance of it surviving is pretty slight and most would end up with heartbreaks. You may lose at dice, but you won’t lose everything; eventually, you’ll gain experience that will make you realize it’s not just about mutual love, it’s also about working things out and to always compromise . But it’s just safe to say that it’s not time yet for us to start a relationship; we have other focus and goals to reach and being in another obligation only confines our maximum potential and commitment in life. The very nature of relationship itself is a drawback, if it works, you’ll get married, if it doesn't, you’ll be enemy (mostly) So for the time being, just reach for the sky and be as successful as you possibly can, the sky is the limit, fly like a bird and sting like the bee, once you had it all, people will come to you and started to get crazy over you.

I know that it doesn’t make sense a bit but heck that’s what emotion is; they’ll leave you bamboozled, twisting and turning and tangled for a few hours before getting you back where you started again. The secret of a happy relationship or marriage is just falling in love again and again, with the same person. And if there are still questions playing in your head, just ask your mom, “Mom, how did you know that Dad was the right one?” Chances are, if you play your cards right, the answer might just be the formula of an eternal love. And don’t worry if you get your heart broken because there’s always someone out there with enough superglue to paste it back in shape.

When i was small...

When I was small, somewhere before kindergarten, I do have things that I used to think about and kept playing in my under-developed mind. Reminiscing back the old day can be something so nostalgic and heart-tickling at time. But you know what they say, treasure those moments because you only get to be a child once. Childhood is not born at birth nor is it developed – It’s like a soul that gracefully sweep in the life of young ones and becomes a kingdom where no one dies.

And so I sat one day on that wooden-calibrated chair that was probably around before I was born. It’s funny how it felt just like yesterday when I fell asleep in mom’s lap after tired of playing and fooling around on that very chair.

Though I was always to scare and anxious if I fall asleep too early, earlier than mom did because I was afraid of seeing unwanted things that mom didn’t. At that time around, I always contemplated that the singer had to sing directly in the radio when it was their song that was on air, and that Ultraman had to act and fight all over again if I pressed rewind. I even tried to grasp warily on each and every of his action and caught myself flabbergasted when he performed the same act perfectly.

Mom never let me played with scissors back then and I used to think of it as a motorcycle or a bike when you spread the leg wide open and make the holder as the wheel. Every time Mom takes me shopping, I would stand behind the concave plastic panel of the miniature hotel or building at the real estate booth - It's just so imaginative to see those tiny cars and roads being paved nicely almost like a toy. In the Taxi, i always got myself drenched in my own imagination and playful notion when i scrutinize that green-galloping horse on the meter. Too bad that those moment had to go and become part of our life and history. My advice is that they may cry, they may get on your nerve, but don’t take their childhood from them because they only get it once.

Glory of a boy.

Somewhere in 2007..

"What do you know about giving up"? , the whole class of 32 junior high students remains idle and dormant. Only the sound of the triple blade fan that was all dusty and grey fills the atmosphere. Mr. Joshua still firm with his question and had his head held high with his left hand, holding his classic Ray Bans spectacles while his eyes wander sharply into the eyes of each student.

Not one of them even made the slightest sigh nor effort to respond to the question asked by the eloquent English teacher until..... "Sir, i think i know a thing or two about giving up. I know that 'giving up' does not exist in my dictionary!", he said confidently. The whole class was left starstrucked. The 35 years old teacher nodded in satisfaction. "Only wise man say such things with utmost confidence, and one of them walk among us in this class. Thanks young man". The boy steadily sits down, carefully pulling the wooden chair closer to his feet. 

Everyone stared at the boy in amazement. On the first day of school, no one really broke the ice between each other so everyone in the class still remains anonymous. The boy was young but slightly messy with the hair. That boy was me.....

Studying in a daily high school was sort of challenging. Even as a child, i have a short-term photographic memory-which now made me quite distinguish in History class. I listen to elders with their words of wisdom. Though it was quite strange and somewhat amusing on how i pick up the English language- it was due to a satellite broadcasting media which mom and dad installed when i was 9. I call it Astro.

I didn't stay long in that school, I got to a boarding school in Putrajaya - to my surprise, the school was exceptionally great. With the title of the best all boys school in the country, the school places some of the best male mind and diligent individual. It made me felt really awesome to walk among them. But that was 5 years ago....

Today...

Today i'm a 17 years old teenager with examination lurking around the corner, though the passion for blogging never fades away in this impregnable heart of mine. How time flies - If back then, i was sitting in front of the TV and getting myself drowned in some good old cartoons, now i walk on the fast lane and lay my eyes on those young adolescent as they enjoy their life.
In the back of my mind, i said to myself, "I've been there, i've been in that shoes and how i wish i would never have to leave it". Life is hard but i got to be tougher on myself. After all, tough time never last but tough people do.
So this is my blog, i have two, i made them myself, just for you. Enjoy....................

My therapeutic disclosure....

I guess it's safe to say that just because a guy is crying, it doesn't make him any less man because everyone has emotion. Having said that though doesn't mean that you should break down like a cry baby and start getting on everyone's nerve, it's just common sense for us to know on where to draw the line and not to go over it.

So what i have to blog for today is something revolving around my therapeutic disclosure-on how something that could drives a soul to weep, could also drives him to be a better person for him/her or even to the mass itself. So i'm the kind of guy that gets easily touch by these kinds of elements, not that i'm easily weep, but i'm easily captivated by them.

I have a weird way of motivating myself-on how i could easily immersed in sad stories or songs or even movies. And at the end of the day, it got me into a state of where i feel the need of humility is a sheer interest. Just the other day, i was in 5 Maju with Danny and Faris because it was english lesson. Unfortunately, teacher Ezah was not around and we were left to loiter around and do whatever we favour. As for me, i grabbed this years literature book, "Step by Wicked Step" and started to read while listening to Taylor Swift's Back to December.

To start with, the story of Ricahrd Clayton Harwick was already freaking sad, and listening Back to December at the same time just simply made me burst into tears. I tried to cover it up, leaning my forehead to the table, in hope that no one would see me weeping. After a while, i stopped, i can't go any further, if i did then i would cry even harder till the whole class notices me. I put the book down, wipe my tears away, stood up and pretended as if nothing's wrong.

Later that evening, i had more time to reminisce because somehow i feel that i should do just that and the book really taught me something-on how life is not always like a rainbow in the sky and to acknowledge the dark side of life which very few of us really comprehend. I tried to put myself in his shoe and contemplate on what could happen.

In the end i started to feel better, regained my conscious and maturely grew up. Thank you my therapeutic disclosure ....

I want it all back ...

When we were small, we all wanted to grow up and show that we are mature enough to cope with challenges: big enough to deal with everyday  obstacle and even hating the age of toddlers because we thought that being an adult is everything.
But how blinded we were, that we did not realise that childhood is the best stage of life. Everyone would sacrifice for you and you couldn't care less about others. But like it or not, we will grow older because growing older is a mandatory but growing up is an option! If i laze on bed and burrowed my head into the pillow for a whole year, i would still grow older but i definitely won't grow up that way.
But still, I don't want to grow up! I just don't, I regretted the time i pretended to be cool just to be in relationship: the time where i worked hard to earn money so that i can buy ice cream and even the time where i told my mom that i don't need her helping hand anymore.
How nice it would it be if i could pick up where i left before and enjoy the good old times with the people i love. With my beloved Tok ayah who had gone when i was 11, my beloved Tok sat who use to always take me fishing even though i didn't like it and my beloved mak tok who always cuddle me and carried me around the house. I miss them .
I want to watch Cow and chicken, Samurai Jack, Scooby doo, Grim Adventure of bily and mandy, Courage the cowardly dog and I am weasel! If only i could have one more time to spend with them, just one more moment to cherish with, just one more glimpse of their loving face..
At this stage of age, i felt so vain and empty just like an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere; like a gargantuan clam or oyster without its delicate pearl. At this time around, we're just happy to be found, to be heard and to be realised by others around us. 

I will always try to be like Ugly.

In memories of Ugly....

This was the saddest thing that ever happened to me this year...

Living in an apartment resident had me living in a diverse culture with peoples from all walk of lives. But one thing for sure, everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love.The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.

His tail has long age been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. “That’s one UGLY cat!!”

All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness.

Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If ever someone picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor’s huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.

Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. “I must be hurting him terribly,” I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear.

Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.

Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.

Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply.

It was time to give my all to those I cared for. Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be like Ugly. 

5 notes for my future girlfriend :)

1) I can’t promise you that I will always have the perfect thing to say. I can’t promise you that I will always have amazing advice on hand to give to you. What i can promise you is that I will always be there for you. No matter what. I will always be here to listen to you when you need someone to talk to. I will always be a phone call away and if you need, I will drive over, pick you up, and kidnap you to cheer you up. I’ll do everything in my power to support you.

2) So relationships are like roller coasters right? It has its up and downs, turns,twists,and loops right?.So I want to ride it with you, take you to the amusement park and embark on one of the longest or scariest ride there is.Because I want to go through all those ups and downs and turns with you.Because I’ll stand by your side if you stand by mine.Hold my hands through all those rides.Go through all those emotions when you go up and down and all around.Throw our hands up like nothing matters.After we're done, we go to where they take our pictures and see who look the funniest or the worst because its a memory i want to remember with you.

3) Can we spend the whole day in the park ? I’ll bring my camera and take pictures of YOU all day . It doesn't have to be us, but really you. I want to see you smile because I think you’re beautiful. I want to capture the moment where I can look back and remember that I was the reason that made you smile. And I like watching and listening to the rain and thunderstorms. Come over and we’ll cuddle besides the window and watch, and listen to the thunderstorm together. I’ll make us some hot chocolate and something nice to eat. We’ll cuddle together and fall asleep in each others arms. Don’t worry if you are scared  I’ll hold you tight and protect you.

4) I will never ignore, even if you hate me. I will always pick up the phone, even at 3 a.m. I’ll always be the first to start the conversation, and give you long sweet messages to start your day off. I’ll call you every night and talk to you until you fall asleep. I’ll never give you a reason to be jealous, because I’ll make sure you and everyone else know how much I love you. Keeping you happy is my job, if you are upset,  I’ll stay up all night talking to you until you feel better or until you make me sleep. I’ll never yell at you or physically hurt you, and never make you do anything you don’t want to, especially sexual stuff, but when we are both ready I’ll make sure it is one of the most special times of your life. I’d feel like the luckiest person in the world to be able to hold you as you sleep. I just want you to feel safe, and loved. I’d do anything to make you happy. I’ll give you gifts from time to time surprising you with special dates and flowers. When we go on our anniversary date, it’ll be unique, original and a very special day for you. 

5) I know I might seem like a flirt, I know I might seem kind of annoying and rude at times but I promise, I will never hurt you baby. You’re all that revolves around in my mind, I couldn’t imagine anyone else being on my mind as much as you. I will hold you in public, I will kiss you in public and show the world how  lucky I am. My cell phone is always there if you need my voice. My shoulder is always there to cry on if you’re not having a good day. If you need me I’ll drive through hell fire just to make sure you’re okay. If you want something i will get it for you, and if I cant I will try my hardest to still try to get it for you. Whatever in the world you want I will give you the world because you already gave me my world.

Dear future girlfriend, I will treat you like no other.